I'm Still Angry and Not Okay

Today, I attended a local rally. Initially, I was excited to actually be out and stand in solidarity with others within the community because I never got a chance throughout the past year. Due to the pandemic, my parents advised me to stay home and be active in other ways. They didn't want me to risk my health along with the health of my fiancé's family. It made sense at the time. I understood why they worried and chose to do that. I chose to donate and educate myself about the various issues that faced my BIPOC brothers and sisters.  

However, I'm realizing that enough is enough. I can no longer sit at home and watch from afar. I need to be out there. I need to be more active and use the voice that I was given.

I also realized that I wanted to this for myself. I wanted to do something that would help with the anger and rage that has been building up within me. I yearned to be around others who shared my rage and felt that we needed to stand united. 

But even as I prepared for the rally, I reached the epiphany that I'm... not okay. I don't feel okay. Okay is the farthest thing from my mind because I'm still scared. I'm still so angry about everything that's been happening. I don't know what to do with this rage and fear. And more importantly, I felt.. alone in my whirlwind of emotions. I felt as if no one within my group of friends understood my rage, much less the anxiety that often kept me awake at night. I felt alone because no one reached out. No one checked up on me or asked the simple question of, "Are you okay?" That's all I ever wanted to hear. Maybe I'll burst into tears if someone finally poses that question. Or maybe I'll continue to put on a brave face because I'm known for being strong. I'm not sure what will do but all I know is that.. I'm still not okay.