Never Hesitate to Say No

It sounds easier said than done but I've been there. Although it's been a few weeks since I watched Anna Akana's "I was uninvited to a wedding" video, it still runs through my head every now and then. Why, pray tell, does her story about being uninvited to an ex-friend's wedding resonate with me? Or the fact that she kept such a selfish person in her life? Good question and thanks for asking. It's because I've been there before. Of course, I am not equating my experience with Anna's because each are unique in their own ways but I can relate to being friends with someone who always wanted to be the center of attention and cared very little for other people's feelings.

Years ago, I had a group of girls that I used to consider my friends. (Safe to say, these people are my ex-friends and mere acquaintances.) I thought they would always be there for me but alas, I was wrong. I'll share more about them in another post because I want to talk about a particular friend named Kassandra.* Kassandra and I grew up together because our parents were friends. I used to consider her one of my closest friends and often turned to her for advice. However, we started to drift apart in our college years for many reasons. One of them was because she started dating a man that would become her future husband. I didn't approve of him nor was I fond of the fact that he proselytized her to become a newborn Christian.  (And lowkey hoped they would break up) But I never said anything and only hoped for the best.

It seems the universe heard my thoughts because, within two years of being together, they got engaged. I was thrilled for them, really. (Not really) But then Kassandra and her soon-to-be-husband hatched a ridiculous idea that I never saw coming. They wanted to get married in a week. As in, the two wanted a traditional wedding within the next seven days. A wedding that consists of a venue, dinner, white dress--the whole shebang. I almost couldn't believe it. Nor could I understand the audacity they mustered up to ask guests that they RSVP within a day of notice. My head really couldn't comprehend the logistics of everything but I digress.

Because the next thing that I know is Kassandra asking me to be one of her bridesmaids. Me. Someone who had been debating whether I should allow the rift between us to grow or try making amends again. Part of me felt inclined to say 'yes' out of obligation and because I didn't want to cause any drama between our parents. But the other part of me truly didn't want to be there. I refused to stand there at the end of the aisle because I didn't want to feign support for a marriage that I didn't believe in. 

Eventually, the latter part of me won out because I knew myself best. I knew in my heart that I wouldn't be able to face myself in the mirror if I went against what I wanted. So I said no. I put my foot down and turned her down. 

It felt awful at first. Awful because my parents couldn't understand my reasoning or decision. They fought with me and tried to talk me out of it. They accused me of insulting Kassandra's parents, of not doing what I'm obligated to. I can easily recall arguing that I didn't want to be a bridesmaid. I didn't want to do this. But they couldn't understand at the time. They were angry that I could have ruined Kassandra's big day. They kept pressuring me to reach out to Kassandra and share that I changed my mind but I stood firm with my decision.

But that awful feeling was only temporary. So were the arguments with my parents. And sure, I am no longer friends with that group of girls or Kassandra but it's natural to grow apart from friends, especially ones that no longer share the same values or ambitions. Looking back, I don't regret my decision or anything that I said. I wouldn't hesitate to do it again because it's important to set boundaries for yourself. It's important to say no because doing something that you don't want to do is more detrimental to yourself than anything else. 

*Obviously, not her real name.