I Am Worthy

In the span of one week, I have found myself in tears for two completely different reasons. The first being the tragic massacre that took eight lives in Atlanta, Georgia. Make no mistake that that horrible incident was--and remains--a hate crime. I don't give a fuck about that man's so-called "bad day." What I care about are the lives that were stolen because some evil person saw to it that he inflict pain and hurt on others including the families of those victims. I still struggle to contain my emotions whenever I think about that day or the countless people within my AAPI community who have been traumatized by the horrible and racist acts of violence. Even now, I feel pure rage running through my veins and every part of me wants to yell at the world. I want to scream at everyone who continues to treat me and my fellow community members as "Other." Regardless of the fact that generations have built their lives on this stolen land, there are still many that strive to gaslight us and make us feel like we are far from American. I want to yell at every single person who questioned my ethnicity because to them, I seemed "too pretty" to be full Filipina. To those people, they couldn't imagine me being an American-born Filipina that looked like me but didn't have a drop of European or some other Western blood in me. 

But today.. Today, I have a happy reason for these tears because I was accepted into a Master's Program. To many, this may seem like a small feat nor do I expect others to completely understand the joy that's at odds with the anger within me. But to me, this acceptance means everything to me. It means an accomplishment that I never thought I'd be crying over but alas, here I am. Years ago, I used to tell myself that I didn't need to pursue my Master's Degree. I already struggled to complete my Bachelor's Degree so there was no point in stepping foot into a classroom, much less fill out applications. Looking back, I realize I had a strong fear of rejection and imposter's syndrome all rolled into one. I feared that my grades weren't good enough, much less have GPA that I could be proud of. As someone who balanced a demanding part-time job and school, I found it difficult to complete assignments without falling asleep. I feared I wasn't good enough. I worried I wasn't smart enough. My anxiety combined with imposter's syndrome told me that I would be rejected without a single thought because at the end of the day.. who was I to think I could get a Master's Degree?

Well, I'm happy to prove to myself that I am worthy. I am more capable than all of those anxious thoughts and fears that used to freeze me from completing an application. I am so so much more.

And more importantly, I'm on my way to becoming Master Francisco.