Putting My Mental Health First

Today, I took a big step for my mental health and overall wellbeing. I reached out to my medical provider about seeing a therapist. Although I haven't seen my therapist yet or had my first session, I recognize the importance of this step because it is something that I always told myself that I would do. But I never did. It's mind blowing to think about how I never let myself reach this point in the past because I've been a big supporter of taking care of one's mental health. I used to educate my students on mental health and mental illnesses. I used to encourage friends and family about seeking professional help if they really needed it. I recall helping my best friend through a panic attack before I had the knowledge or training on how to help someone in a mental crisis. Hell, I've experienced a panic attack before I even knew what was happening to me. 

Some people may call me a hypocrite for not doing this sooner. It's been years since I've come to terms with my anxiety and past trauma as a sexual assault survivor. And yet, I never thought about individual therapy. Since I'm a strong supporter of mental healthy, why didn't I apply the same advice that I share with others to myself? It only makes sense that I lead by example.

Honestly, I'm not sure. I was probably scared. Still am. I actually almost burst into tears when I was on the phone with my medical provider. And it's not say to that I haven't tried other ways to improve my mental health. In the past, I've cut off ties to toxic friends and pushed myself to step into who I truly am. I've tried meditation and (sort of) attempt to keep up that method. But lately, none of those methods have worked. Talking to my friends and partner have only improved this growing empty feeling within me by a small margin.

So I started today. I plan to continue doing that because I need to put myself first. I need to learn more and find the right tools to ensure my mental health doesn't decline any further. If I don't then I can't be a strong and supportive pillar to everyone I love.