The thing about recovering from a toxic work environment

Is that I don't really know how to manage or process my own feelings and thoughts. 

It's been over three months since I left my last job and I still struggle to be somewhat okay on some days. And when I use the term 'okay' to describe myself, I refer to the state where I can actually get things done without forcing myself. Or those days where I allow myself to be 'okay' with not having a packed schedule. Honestly, it's an internal battle that I didn't think I'd have and I hate it. I hate that a gut wrenching sense of guilt overcomes me when I have a day or two (or more) to vegetate and simply not do anything. I hate that I have to constantly remind myself that it's completely fine to only accomplish one task in a day rather than the hundreds that I used to have on my work plate. It's simply a reminder that my last job really messed with me because I was always on the move and encouraged to spend every waking minute working on something. And if I wasn't utilizing my time then I was wasting the organization's time.

Don't even get me started on the gaslighting from upper management. We were often told that our line of work was "very important to the community." As a result, we shouldn't complain about difficulties or issues. We shouldn't say a thing about the seemingly never ending list of responsibilities that were suddenly added. And sure, some of those tasks weren't part of our initial job description but we were encouraged to do what we could because the community was important than us. Nor should we spare a moment to grieve any coworkers and managers that were let go due to organization's financial struggles.

Looking back, a bigger part of me feels thankful and fortunate enough to remove myself from a work environment where the managers and HR never had our backs. As much as I appreciated having amazing coworkers, I couldn't stand the way that were treated or the fact that our own director didn't have the guts to stand up for us when it mattered the most. 

It's unfortunate that I'm left to piece myself together and build up my self-worth.